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Pre engagement (?) freak out

eb1916eb1916
in Not Engaged Yet
My boyfriend and i have been together for two years. We have started talking about getting engaged. While he is a really wonderful guy, and i know that no one else would ever love and care for me the way he does, part of me gets very scared at the thought of forever.

Some (very relevant) background info. I lost my mother suddenly when I was a teenager. my granddad whom i was also very close to died the morning of her funeral. After losing these two people in my life, I hadn't been able to keep any relationships. If I didn't invent some bs reason to end things, I'd just sabotage myself. the thought of getting close to someone after losing my mother and granddad horrified me. The fact that i have been able to keep a relationship this long is a miracle. don't get me wrong, my relationship isn't perfect, we have our ups and downs but we work through them. But for the life of me, I can't understand why I'm so afraid of spending my life with someone who loves me and who I feel I love back.

it's weird because when i bring up the future, he keeps saying "nothing is guaranteed yet'' or my favorite, 'i cant' predict the future", yet when he brings up the future, he has the money for my ring together, can't wait for it to happen etc., etc., so frustrating. so on top of dealing with my own issue, now I constantly disect what his deal is.
 

I'm sorry if i sound like a crazy person. i just really needed to get this out. If anyone has any advice, i'd really appreciate it!

-E


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Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out

  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011
    I think this is beyond the scope of internet forum advice.  Have you been to counseling to talk through these issues?
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  • eb1916eb1916
    i have and it's definitely a process. i just wanted to know aside from my own studd, if anyone else has gotten nervous about getting engaged? yes i'm excited, at the thought. but all of the stuff that comes with getting engaged (money for a wedding, the whole process of planning it, etc., has made anyone else nervous?
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  • steignsteign
    First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement. You're either engaged or you aren't.

    Second, it sounds like you have some things and issues going on in your life that you should work on and concentrate before you get engaged. I'm very sorry about your losses. I couldn't imagine losing a parent at a young age. Have you seen a counselor about some of the things you mentioned in your OP? Specifcally the part about getting close to people scares you? I think talking with someone will help you come to terms with your fear of people hurting you. I've gone through something similiar. I was in a bad relationship about 6 years ago that ended really, really bad and I never imagined I could let anyone in my life again after the hell I went through. Seeing a therapist was a saving grace for me to deal with my issues. I think therapy is the best way to go from here.
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  • eb1916eb1916
    edited March 2013
    "First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement. You're either engaged or you aren't"

    I don't know if you noticed, but this is a "not yet engaged' board. what exactly would you like me to call it?

    Snarky first lines are always conducive, aren't they? Thank you.
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  • steignsteign
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:a94de516-75e2-4205-a09a-2aedc1265ce8">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
    [QUOTE]"First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement. You're either engaged or you aren't" <strong>I don't know if you noticed, but this is a "not yet engaged' board. what exactly would you like me to call it?</strong> Snarky first lines are always conducive, aren't they? Thank you.
    Posted by eb1916[/QUOTE]

    It's called a relationship?

    ETA: Also, it wasn't meant to be snarky. Just trying to point out that you have a boyfriend. Not a pre fiance. Sorry if you took it that way.
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