Wedding Woes

this is a children's story.

c+p

I cannot get to sleep. It is 1 in the morning here.

A few days ago I posted my introduction. In it I shared a piece I wrote for my unborn child. It got bad reviews (even tho they weren't ask for) Apparently it seemed dark and not something to display in a baby book.

Since I can't get back to bed, I decided to re-write my piece. To make it less dark, more baby book ready. The following will be a small sample of my work. I am currently on mobile so excuse typos and format. 

I am on a farm. I am the wife on the farmer.The farmer has seeded not just the land, he has seeded the bed you are now resting on. To you this is your bed. To others that is my uterus.

The corn that is rising. Those tomatoes in the field on the left, and those beautiful watermelons of perfection near the road. Those will be the harvest of summer. You little sprout, will be the great fall harvest.

You must be wondering how you were seeded. See, before the seeding begins you must plow the land. The farmer is an excellent plower you see. It only takes him a few hours to plow all the land. My land it took less since it's smaller. Plowing is a lovely thing that is designed with hard work, dedication,
and lots of love. Which is indeed how you were created.

Let us be whisked away by the cool autumn wind. I shall place us in November, the month is which we all give thanks, the month which makes perfect sense for you to arrive.

Farmer: *knock knock* (Farmer knocked on my belly): Today is the day little one, today is the day that I will harvest you from land that I seeded you 9 months ago.

The farmer prepares me for your harvest. I open the front path to your bedroom. The farmer walks up the long hallway, and rests shortly with his hand on the knob to your palace. "Should I knock again" he wonders. He gently approaches your bed where he sweeps you up in his arms. He rushes you down the hall. Soon you have seen the light. Just like those tomatoes, you still have your vine attached, but don't worry, the farmer trimmed it off.

November: What a wonderful and peaceful month. It surely will be full of thanks this year as we will be welcoming our little fruit pie.

Re: this is a children's story.

  • That is so weird.
  • I literally laughed through that whole thing.

    "The farmer is an excellent plower."  Indeed.

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  • taw - YES.  it just needs "the farmer likes to plow hard, and plow long."
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  • i am hoping this was written in a ladybug fashion, because this is soooo not meant for kids.

    it is hilarious, though. it doesn't take the farmer hours to plow his wife's ute. comedy gold.
  • DH must be a closeted farmer because he plowed me well. 

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  • were there horses involved in the plowing or did he use oxen?

  • Why throw in the fruit pie analogy at the end without explaining the fruits and the oven and the
    rolling of the dough.  A child would be so confused.

    image

    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

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  • That's a shitton of seeding and plowing.  
  • I was eating my little afternoon snack.

    I had to make myself start chewing again after the first paragraph.  at least the food didn't actually fall out when my mouth dropped.

    This is all so wrong, from the farmer, the uterus and how her's is smaller.  WRONG.
  • ETA:  I also think she has a wickedly misplaced idea about how childbirth is going to do down.

    Or maybe, she's looking for the twilight birth ala HMo's dream and this is her dream while on the good drugs?
  • I bet the illustrator has a blast with this.

  • I want to see what is was before she rewrote it.
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  • HA. HA. HA. HA.  (bonus points for the horse vs. oxen question!)

    HA.

    HA.

    HA.  (what a load of manure!)
  • "litte fruit pie"  (damn. now I want some pie.)
  • i found this:


    Hello, I am with child (our first) due in the wee morning of November. On the 9th day of November the world will change as well know it.

    I wrote a little piece:

     On the 9th day of November a force shall arrive to claim what is his(hers). And it will be the beginning of the world as we know it.

    the power cometh is a thief in the night, to clam what others have given. Those whom adjust, destruction shall come upon them and they shall not escape.The 9th day of November is coming, and it will be the beginning of the world as we know it.

    Behold the power will come with vengeance to render his(her) love with fury. On the 9th day of November the profit will be merged and destroy the weak. It will
    be the beginning of the world as we know it.

    As he(she) sat upon the mouth, a question arose, when shall be and what shall be the signs of my becoming. The answer: When she tells us. She holds the mystery of my arrival, for when I beckon her, I will debut to clam what is mine, and things shall never be the same again.

    On the 9th day of November it will be the beginning of the world as well know it.

     Cannot wait to meet our little bean!

  • She thinks her kid is like the second coming of Christ or something. I get being totally excited but this is just....weird.
  • Is she plagiarizing Revelation?  I honestly can't decide which version I like better.
    image

    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

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  • ded @ zsa.

    How p!ssed will she and the farmer be if the force cometh a day or two late (or early)?
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  • *doom, destruction, coming of the "profit"* And she closes with cannot wait to meet our little bean. Good.ness.
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  • step 1: plow the field
    step 2...
    step 3: profit

    what's step 2?
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