BG: I've been lurking for a long time. I know the rule "he who pays gets to say." With that in mind, I've been doing some preliminary planning working with my own budget in case my fears come true. This is mostly nerves, (I hope). end BG
I've just started the planning process for my Spring 2014 wedding. My Dad has offered to pay. We met with him and my Mom almost a month ago to discuss some preliminary info (ie, general time of year, location). I brought printed materials for him (he likes to look at stuff himself in hard copy) from the city I live in, the city he and my mom live in, and St. Augustine since that's a big wedding city. He immediately axed St. Aug, so it's down to my city and his city (his is 2.5 hrs away, easy drive, but small college town. My city is MUCH bigger, with a lot more options).
We looked at a few places that day (drive by) in his city. My parents are coming this weekend to see the two choices I've narrowed it down to in my city (Dad has bad back, likes things on his own schedule, I'm not dragging him all over town to look at possible places, he's grumpy when he's in a good mood). And I am very, very nervous as to how this will go.
As I said, he's grumpy in a good mood. He also has selective hearing (example, Mom reminded him about the appt I was able to get with the coordinator for one site this weekend, and his response was a snarky "That's the first I've heard of it." ) Mom's been bugging him about going at some point, reminding him how quick places book up (the nicest, ceremony and reception dual location in his town is already booked next march and april, and may/june, its getting too hot). He doesn't want to come next weekend, he wants to go to a track meet in his town. But he wants input. So, this Saturday (yes, the day before Easter), they are coming over. If he doesn't like something, he tends to be very, very vocal about it, and not in a nice way.
I'm cringing inside, because both locations are in well to do neighborhoods, where a lot of govt workers, lawyers, judges, other professional types live. I work in govt. Gossip travels very fast in this town, and none so more as among govt workers. If I am recognized as a govt. worker (I'm in a very professional position), I'm concerned how the gossip could potentially affect my professional reputation, not to mention the emotional havoc I'll get to enjoy if he starts harping on me too.
I'm hoping before we go to these places I can show him the more detailed info I've gathered, describe what I think are the pros and cons of each place, and what my thoughts are as to the better option, and leave final decision between them to him. I'm just really concerned he'll insist on it being in his town (even if the locations are not as nice and not as good a value for the money. One place here has EVERYTHING included but clothes, officiant, cake, and dj, and with overestimates on food, drink, and guest list, its 4600 including the tax and service charge, AND it's super nice) because he feels he needs to be in control (yes he's one of those types).
I'm concerned his comment will be "do it my way or I don't pay." I'm ok with him not paying, I think it's a generous offer, and I can afford the wedding I want. I suppose I'm not looking for any kind of answer here, just trying to breathe. It might sound like I'm overreacting, but he's been known to throw hissy fits over nonconsequential things, imagined slights, and he's a master of passive aggressiveness. I want to be able to enjoy the planning process, not be worried over whether he's going to blow a gasket. I may just say "I appreciate your offer, Dad, but I've got this covered, thanks," in order to save myself the stomach ulcer and white hairs.