Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower

hoffse · March 2013

I guess I just don't get why the guest lists have to be so big. Yeah, you are having one shower. I had one shower as well. You know what? You are allowed to invite your cousins and not his... and your aunts and not his.... in fact the only people on my FI's side who were invited were his mother and one sister-in-law. That's it. Maybe it's just my circle, but we find it sort of grabby to have extended family members on the groom's side come bring the bride gifts when her side is the one hosting. His side did not offer to host a shower for me, so I did not have a shower for his side. I see his mom and sister-in-law a lot, and they would have been invited on their own accord, regardless of the relationship.

I know that family dynamics are different, and I do get that gifts are for technically for both the bride and groom, but the shower is traditionally an event held in the bride's honor. I would have felt weird asking his aunts and cousins to come and bring a gift to an event that was in my honor and didn't include him. And I have met his extended family on several occassions - but it would still have felt odd to me.

My shower had about 25 guests. We mingled, ate a lovely lunch, and then mingled some more before opening gits. Opening the actual gifts took about 30 minutes. Point is, you can have a nice event that includes speaking with each guest and the guests all speaking with one another and still open the presents. The guest list just has to be a manageable size.

Anyway, that's my $0.02. I'm sure I'm in the minority on this, but that's how I and most of the people on my side operate and feel. If the groom's side wants to host a separate shower, they can have at.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:33dfddfc-0f80-43a5-8722-520bc9c0bb7c">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Opening gifts does not have to take long</strong>. At my shower, sis handed me a gift, H and I took turns opening while the other read the card, and my stepdad sat behind us with a garbage bag so we could hand him trash. Aunt sat to our other side to put the opened gifts away. People were free to get up and graze at the snack table agaist the wall. It was really easy. I think if you're having a gift giving party you need to open that **** gift. I say that as someone who finds it odd. You're getting free stuff, you can suck it up and put on a smile to open the thing. Seems like a pretty fair toll to pay.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

No but when you have 80 guests, it could take long due to many different circumstances. Also some people get more than one gift so it would likely be more than 80 gifts I'd be opening.

Harry87 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:47acadb5-3f09-407a-a40e-70ed6b66932f">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower : No but when you have 80 guests, it could take long due to many different circumstances. Also some people get more than one gift so it would likely be more than 80 gifts I'd be opening.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]
Nope, not an excuse. I had 44 guests and it took half an hour. My friend had more than 90 and it took an hour. An hour that had drinks and snacks. And, you know, it was a shower, so it's not like I was mad that she would DARE open them. That was the point of my afternoon.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:bb5a064f-2cc9-4b4c-98c9-e505aec571f4">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I just don't get why the guest lists have to be so big. Yeah, you are having one shower. I had one shower as well. You know what? You are allowed to invite your cousins and not his... and your aunts and not his.... in fact the only people on my FI's side who were invited were his mother and one sister-in-law. That's it. Maybe it's just my circle, but we find it sort of grabby to have extended family members on the groom's side come bring the bride gifts when her side is the one hosting. His side did not offer to host a shower for me, so I did not have a shower for his side. I see his mom and sister-in-law a lot, and they would have been invited on their own accord, regardless of the relationship. I know that family dynamics are different, and I do get that gifts are for technically for both the bride and groom, but the shower is traditionally an event held in the bride's honor. I would have felt weird asking his aunts and cousins to come and bring a gift to an event that was in my honor and didn't include him. And I have met his extended family on several occassions - but it would still have felt odd to me. My shower had about 25 guests. We mingled, ate a lovely lunch, and then mingled some more before opening gits. Opening the actual gifts took about 30 minutes. Point is, you can have a nice event that includes speaking with each guest and the guests all speaking with one another and still open the presents. The guest list just has to be a manageable size. Anyway, that's my $0.02. I'm sure I'm in the minority on this, but that's how I and most of the people on my side operate and feel. If the groom's side wants to host a separate shower, they can have at.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

I am very close with his aunts. I couldn't imagine not having them @ my shower!

Of course it is possible to do both open gifts and mingle with guests, but the size of the space, time allotted and the number of guests really doesn't allow for it. Plus, I don't want it. I'm not comfortable opening gifts in front of people and I get awkward watching people do it too when I am at showers where it is done b/c I know they feel forced to react and it sometimes just seems like fake & forced reactions. I'm personally more comfortable opening gifts with my parents and FI and my sister in their living room.

I did not have a say with regards to the shower being only my side. My mom said she is giving me one shower and she knows I am close to his side too so she suggested it is only right to have them there (I agree). These women are like my 8 other mothers. They have taken me in and make me so feel welcomed and loved. To exclude them so I can open gifts woukd have been wrong to me.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:04dc74e7-3e35-4d0d-bac0-cafcee1404ec">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower : Nope, not an excuse. I had 44 guests and it took half an hour. My friend had more than 90 and it took an hour. An hour that had drinks and snacks. And, you know, it was a shower, so it's not like I was mad that she would DARE open them. That was the point of my afternoon.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

My shower is 2 hours long. It's all my mom could afford b/c the place charges per person per hour. Opening gifts at my shower would take up the entire length of the shower! My mom is not rich. I never said it's the right thing to do- I realise this is the etiquette board- but sometimes, yes, there really are valid reasons to do a shower like this, other than the fact that it is also my preference.

moonraffe · March 2013

OwningAHome

Why don't you call it a bridal luncheon or something then? If you're so against getting gifts when other people don't get them, then...don't get gifts. Don't have a "shower" have a bridal get together.

I try my best to buy presents for people that are personal, interesting, and unique. If I don't get to see the person open the gift after I've given it to them (assume that I physically give it to them, not send it across the country), well, I'm disappointed and probably a little annoyed with the person. I also love to wrap presents. Personally, I would not attend a shower where I was told to not wrap a gift or that the bride would not be opening gifts, I would think that is extremely rude.

Also, I've never been to a birthday party where the gifts weren't opened. This includes adult birthday parties. See above paragraph.

mobkaz · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:41bbb774-089b-4623-a025-85e5f942cf10">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower : I am very close with his aunts. I couldn't imagine not having them @ my shower! Of course it is possible to do both open gifts and mingle with guests, but the size of the space, time allotted and the number of guests really doesn't allow for it. Plus, <strong>I don't want it</strong>.<strong> I'm not comfortable opening gifts in front of people</strong> and I get awkward watching people do it too when I am at showers where it is done b/c I know they feel forced to react and it sometimes just seems like fake & forced reactions.<strong> I'm personally more comfortable opening gifts with my parents and FI and my sister in their living room</strong>. I did not have a say with regards to the shower being only my side. My mom said she is giving me one shower and she knows I am close to his size too so she suggested it is only right to have them there (I agree). These women are like my 8 other mothers. They have taken me in and make me so feel welcomed and loved. To exclude them so I can open gifts woukd have been wrong to me.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

<div>Do you realize you have options? If you are "uncomfortable opening gifts in front of people", you can <u>decline</u> the <u>gift giving party</u>. If you are most comfortable opening gifts with immediate family, then have a small and intimate family shower.</div><div>
</div><div>I would think if you are SO close to these scores of women, many of whom you consider mothers, you should feel comfortable, safe, and gracious enough to perform the simple task of opening a gift. You said in a previous post that you prefer to "ooh and ahh at home", but that is the exact reaction guests like to see from the recipient when opening their gift. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

hoffse · March 2013

In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower:
[QUOTE]OwningAHome Why don't you call it a bridal luncheon or something then? If you're so against getting gifts when other people don't get them, then...don't get gifts. Don't have a "shower" have a bridal get together. I try my best to buy presents for people that are personal, interesting, and unique. If I don't get to see the person open the gift after I've given it to them (assume that I physically give it to them, not send it across the country), well, I'm disappointed and probably a little annoyed with the person. I also love to wrap presents. Personally, I would not attend a shower where I was told to not wrap a gift or that the bride would not be opening gifts, I would think that is extremely rude. Also, I've never been to a birthday party where the gifts weren't opened. This includes adult birthday parties. See above paragraph.
Posted by moonraffe[/QUOTE]

This. That's what I don't get. It's fine to feel awkward about opening gifts - so don't have a shower, have a luncheon instead. Your mom can't "make" you have a shower - she really shouldn't be hosting it in the first place, though I know this rule is becoming more relaxed in some circles (it hasn't relaxed one bit in mine). Bridal luncheons are lovely, and then there's no gift controversy or awkwardness that goes along with it. Seems like the best solution to me.

Liatris2010 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Didn't want to thread jack Not opening gifts at shower:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack Not opening gifts at shower:In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack Not opening gifts at shower : Nope, not an excuse. I had 44 guests and it took half an hour. My friend had more than 90 and it took an hour. An hour that had drinks and snacks. And, you know, it was a shower, so it's not like I was mad that she would DARE open them. That was the point of my afternoon.Posted by Harry87My shower is 2 hours long. It's all my mom could afford b/c the place charges per person per hour. Opening gifts at my shower would take up the entire length of the shower! My mom is not rich. I never said it's the right thing to do I realise this is the etiquette board but sometimes, yes, there really are valid reasons to do a shower like this, other than the fact that it is also my preference. Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

No there aren't. If you can't or don't want to open gifts, you don't have a shower, where the purpose is gifts, you have a luncheon which doesn't involve gifts. You made a mistake, it was an honest one, but that doesn't make it justified. Please stop trying to defend rude behaviour. Even if it is inadvertant, it is still rude.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower : This. That's what I don't get. It's fine to feel awkward about opening gifts - so don't have a shower, have a luncheon instead. Your mom can't "make" you have a shower - she really shouldn't be hosting it in the first place, though I know this rule is becoming more relaxed in some circles (it hasn't relaxed one bit in mine). Bridal luncheons are lovely, and then there's no gift controversy or awkwardness that goes along with it. Seems like the best solution to me.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

Yes but my mom put shower on the invites. I can't do anything about that. A shower is what she called it. I didn't see the invites until after they went out.

hoffse · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:db626292-f1e4-4bdf-9171-8a6cd1a9df9e">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower : Yes but my mom put shower on the invites. I can't do anything about that. A shower is what she called it. I didn't see the invites until after they went out.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

<div>Then suck it up and open gifts. Honestly you do have a little say over an the organization of an event like this. Very basic things like guest list and shower vs. luncheon. I find it bizarre that you had no idea it was going to be a shower until after the invitations went out. Where did your mom get the addresses for the guestlist if you hadn't communicated with her about it? I think you're grasping at straws here.</div>

moonraffe · March 2013

[QUOTE]Yes but my mom put shower on the invites. I can't do anything about that. A shower is what she called it. I didn't see the invites until after they went out.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]<div><div>
</div><div>I'm with hoffse, suck it up and open gifts. As it stands, if you have a 2 hour limit and 80 people coming, you can mingle personally with each person for less than 2 minutes. So just open the gifts. Give your guests gift bingo or something and spend time with them individually when you actually have time to do so in the first place because it doesn't sound like you will at the shower anyway.</div></div>

Knottie · March 2013

Given the response on this board and the poll I did today at my office and of my friends most people in attendance will probably feel the same way and will feel slighted that their gifts weren't opened. I would definitely suggest just opening the gifts if you have a say.

Meghannsix · March 2013

Ugh, I cannot believe I am jumping in on beating the dead horse about whether or not to open gifts at a shower, but I can't help but wonder if OAH is afraid she'll have significantly less gifts than one would expect for a "shower" or "luncheon" or whatever you want to call it, and is embarrassed to call attention to it? Just a theory to explain this completely irrational thought process.

AndreaJulia · March 2013

I'm glad these threads came up. I was considering not opening the gifts. Many of my friends complain about how boring it is to watch people open them so I thought maybe I'd skip. Now, I don't see that as an option. I'll just make sure there is plenty to eat and drink while I'm opening the gifts. Besides, I'm sure they still like the part when people open their gift.

Harry87 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:a912da1e-8e0f-4d63-b047-2612fbf3e689">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower : My shower is 2 hours long. It's all my mom could afford b/c the place charges per person per hour. Opening gifts at my shower would take up the entire length of the shower! My mom is not rich. I never said it's the right thing to do- I realise this is the etiquette board- but sometimes, yes, there really are valid reasons to do a shower like this, other than the fact that it is also my preference.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]
Lordy OAH, we all know that your shower is going to be sucky and rude that's final. I think I speak for everyone when I say I don't care anymore. Throw your whatever however and the rest of us will dispense real advice, okay?

tarradesign · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-want-to-thread-jack-not-opening-gifts-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:af1b31b0-cabf-4f7a-9d16-fd7154a0a3a4Post:a912da1e-8e0f-4d63-b047-2612fbf3e689">Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower : My shower is 2 hours long. It's all my mom could afford b/c the place charges per person per hour. Opening gifts at my shower would take up the entire length of the shower! My mom is not rich. I never said it's the right thing to do- I realise this is the etiquette board- but sometimes, yes, there really are valid reasons to do a shower like this, other than the fact that it is also my preference.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

YOU are the one that keeps bringing this up. QUIT TALKING ABOUT IT. Less than 5% agree with you that it's "not rude" and you can do it how you want. There's a Registering and Gifts board where you can probably find some like-minded people in the "I follow Preference" camp. We're in the "Etiquette" camp.

Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower

Re: Didn't want to thread jack- Not opening gifts at shower

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